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Confidence and Self-Esteem

Confidence
and Self-Esteem

Being Your Own Best Friend

When you picture yourself in your mind's eye, what do you see? Perhaps you see someone who is energetic, intelligent and successful, someone you'd want to be best friends with. Or maybe you see a woman somewhat battered by years, a woman whose most noticeable attributes are tiny creases around her eyes and dimples on her thighs.

It's amazing how just a few wrinkles or a little cellulite can shatter a woman's self-esteem--her appreciation and acceptance of her inner worth. A few minor signs of aging can also smash a woman's confidence--the faith she has in her abilities and talents. "Our culture places an extremely high premium on youth," says Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., director of the Institute for Psychological Change in New York City. "If you use youth as the only benchmark of how good you are, you will inevitably experience feelings of worthlessness and doubt as you show more signs of aging."

But this doesn't have to happen to you. Confidence and self-esteem really aren't matters of age or appearance, but of attitude. For some women, confidence and self-esteem only get stronger as they age, regardless of a few wrinkles, gray hairs or a dress size that has gone up over the years. And how fortunate these women are.

Confidence and self-esteem produce some very youth-engendering results. A confident, self-assured woman--despite whatever signs of aging she may show--looks, feels and carries herself like a much younger woman. She almost beams with inner strength and energy, says Thomas Tutko, Ph.D., professor of psychology at San Jose State University in California. The self-assured woman is also more likely to respect her body by eating right, getting exercise and avoiding harmful things like cigarettes, drugs and booze.

Confidence and self-esteem also do wonders for your mind. They provide a buffer against anxiety. They relieve feelings of guilt, hopelessness and inadequacy. They give us the courage to fulfill our dreams. And they give us a willingness to try new things, meet new challenges and widen our worlds, says Dr. Tutko.

Best of all, confidence and self-esteem are self-perpetuating; the benefits we derive from them tend to boomerang and bolster what we've got. In general, the stronger our feelings of confidence and self-esteem, the more satisfied we are with life. And that gives us the power not only to survive but also to embrace life.

Messages from Within

It's hard to talk of confidence and self-esteem except as a package deal. "A person with high self-esteem has a good picture of herself, and that invariably inspires confidence," says Dr. Tutko. "Likewise, a strong belief in your abilities, and the positive attitude that comes with it, will boost your feelings of self-esteem."

Where do these feelings come from?

According to a study by Robert A. Josephs, Ph.D., and his associates at the University of Texas at Austin, men and women derive their confidence and self-esteem from different places. While a man's feelings of self-worth are more tied up with his achievements, a woman's are more likely linked to her interpersonal roles--how she sees herself as a wife, mother, daughter and friend.

It all goes back to our childhood years. "Boys are much more encouraged to learn skills and how to do things. Girls, on the other hand, are generally encouraged to develop pleasing personalities and to be pretty," says psychologist Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., head of the Branden Institute for Self-Esteem in Beverly Hills and author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. "The problem is that neither prettiness nor personality suggests any kind of competence or provides personal fulfillment and thus does not produce any real lasting sense of confidence or self-esteem."

Hold Your Head Up

If you feel that your confidence and self-esteem could use a boost, that's probably a sign that they could. Here's what the experts recommend.

Shape up. Can working out improve your self-esteem? Yes, indeed. In one study at the State University of New York College at Brockport, 57 people were divided up into two groups: One group lifted weights for 16 weeks, while the other group completed a physical education theory course. Guess which group wound up with the lifted spirits?

Merrill J. Melnick, Ph.D., the sports sociologist who led the study, explains why the exercise group fared so much better: "You may see yourself as inferior if you're unhappy with your physical self." By building a little muscle and losing a little fat, he says, you can improve your feelings about your body and about yourself.

Gag your internal critic. Women with low self-esteem tend to hear a little voice in their heads. It says "You can't," "You're weak" and "You're worthless." Whenever your critical inner voice begins putting you down, silence it immediately, says Dr. Jacobson. Be aware of the times it's most likely to appear, such as when you're feeling down. Acknowledge that it's trying to hurt you. Then counter its arguments with assertions to the contrary. Tell yourself over and over that you are strong, capable and worthy until the voice goes away. The same rules apply for external critics, too. "You have to take away the power of other people by learning to accept yourself on your own terms," she says.

Take a personal inventory. "Instead of dwelling on our shortcomings, we need to draw satisfaction from the things we have and can do well," says Stanley Teitelbaum, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. To do this, list all your achievements, activities, positive traits and strengths on one side of a piece of paper. Then list your weaknesses, negative traits and things you wish you could change about yourself on the other side. You may be surprised to learn just how many pluses you have in your favor. And this alone can make you feel remarkably good about yourself. Then, for long-term confidence and self-esteem, accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives.

Set up a hierarchy of goals. Setting up unrealistic goals for yourself is sure to lead to failure, which can take a toll on your self-esteem. "Reaching for a goal is great, but you must learn to crawl before you can walk," says Dr. Tutko. Suppose you have a goal of bowling a 300 game. A worthy goal, but somewhat unrealistic if your average is, say, 58. Instead of shooting for your ultimate goal, concentrate on reaching plateaus: 100, 150, 200, 250, then 300. "Find success on one level first, then try to transfer it up to the next," he says.

Specialize in something. Are you a jack-of-all-trades and master of none? Are you involved with so many tasks that you can't give adequate attention to any? Spreading yourself too thin only sets you up for disappointment, says Dr. Tutko. Find two or three things in life that you really enjoy--be it playing the clarinet, working with computers or cross-country skiing--and focus most of your energies on them. It's better to be successful at a few things than to fail at many.

Pursue what you love. The easiest way to lose faith in yourself is to get trapped doing something that you dislike or that others tell you you're supposed to do, says Dr. Tutko. Rather than wallow in a career or activity that makes you miserable or that you attempt halfheartedly, seek out those things that really turn you on and pursue them with gusto. You're more likely to do them well, which will have a positive effect on your psyche.

Be of service. Lending your time and talents to help your community or people in need boosts confidence and self-esteem in many ways, says Dr. Jacobson. Foremost, it gives you a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and reinforces your belief that you are useful and worthwhile.

Seek out positive people. The last thing you need in your life when your self-confidence is flagging are people who criticize or find fault with you. Instead, you should surround yourself with people who look for the good in you. Invariably, those are people who themselves have high levels of confidence and self-esteem. "People with high self-esteem and confidence aren't quick to judge or put down others," says Dr. Jacobson. "They have a lot of love and encouragement to give, and their attitudes toward life can rub off on you."

Reward yourself. Stroke your confidence and self-esteem by doing something nice for yourself whenever you do something well, says Dr. Tutko. Congratulate yourself or treat yourself to a little gift. This reinforces your faith in yourself and gives the value of your accomplishment more weight.

Act your age. "Some people mistakenly believe that if they purchase all the external trappings of youth, it will enhance the way they feel about themselves," says Dr. Teitelbaum. The truth is, you won't become a teenager again by mashing yourself into a napkin-size bikini. You'll probably look silly.

Be your best, not the best. Competitive sports are a great way to enhance your confidence and self-esteem. But if you consider beating opponents and winning trophies the only measure of success, your confidence and self-esteem are already on shaky ground. "Playing sports can be fantastic, but only if you do it for the sheer love of it and for the exploration of being the best you possibly can," says Dr. Tutko.

Don't fear failure. View failure not as an evil but as an opportunity for a new success, says Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. "Life is a trial-and-error process, and we don't make any progress if we don't take chances in the face of failure," he says. "In the grand scheme of things, most of the actual 'failures' we will experience are not nearly as harmful as the damage we do to ourselves when we obsess and worry about our failures yet to come."

Deflate your worries. Silencing your inner critic isn't always easy. Sometimes you can just slam the door on her; other times she puts up a fight. Sometimes the more you try to suppress unwanted thoughts and anxieties, the more likely you are to become obsessed by them, says Dr. Wegner. Instead of wasting energy suppressing unhappy thoughts, try giving in to them for a little bit. Schedule daily 30-minute "worry sessions" to get them out of your system; then get on with enjoying life.

Get your kicks. Did you ever consider learning a martial art? As a professor of psychology and director of the martial arts program at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Charles L. Richman, Ph.D., strongly endorses the attitude-enhancing effects of martial arts. Like other sports, they will build you up and improve your body image, which by itself can improve your self-esteem, he says. Martial arts also tend to emphasize discipline and control. "When you combine this disciplined thinking with the mastering of new skills and the realization that you can defend yourself from physical attack, you experience an amazing transformation in both confidence and self-esteem," says Dr. Richman. Check your Yellow Pages or newspaper for schools in your area.