guidetohealth.com

• Home
•  » Library
•  » Age Erasers for Women
•  » Friendships

Friendships

Friendships

They're Good for Life

Lynn was so happy to be getting away from the city for a week with her friend Teresa that she hugged her when they met up at the bus stop. They started talking on the two-hour trip to the beach, and it seemed like they didn't stop for the whole vacation.

Walking to the farmers' market to buy vegetables, they discussed their marriages. Out for a run, Lynn talked about how she and Peter had lately made an effort to improve their sex life. Lying on the beach, Teresa said she no longer felt useful in her job--and Lynn knew just what she meant. The feelings just poured out of both of them. Somehow, when Lynn and Teresa got together there was always this cleansing fountain of emotion.

Peter was home when Lynn returned. He had just spent a week fishing at a remote lake with Robert, Teresa's husband.

"How was the fishing?" Lynn asked.

"Wonderful," he said. "Did you and Teresa have a good time?"

"Gosh, we talked for hours and hours. It seemed like we'd never stop. I told her every secret I'd ever had. She's such a wonderful friend. Did you and Robert talk about personal things?"

Peter had to think about it for a moment. "Not really," he said.

This story reflects the fact that men tend to "do" things together while women tend to "share" things, notably their feelings and needs. But while they might have different ways of going about it, men and women get the same thing from their friendships: longer, more healthful lives.

What They Do for You

"Friendship has a profound effect on your physical well-being," says Eugene Kennedy, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Loyola University of Chicago. "Having good relationships improves health and lifts depressions. You don't necessarily need drugs or medical treatment to accomplish this--just friends," says Dr. Kennedy.

And perhaps one of the greatest health benefits of friendship is the youthfulness of extended life--of extra years of enjoyment and satisfaction.

One of the first studies linking social relationships and longevity took place in Alameda County, California. Researchers there found that over a nine-year period, the people with the strongest social and community ties were the least likely to die. Not surprisingly, the most isolated people had the highest death rate.

Three more recent studies duplicated these findings: In each study, people who were isolated were three to five times more likely to die than people who had intimate relationships.

Redford B. Williams, M.D., director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center and professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, sees a definite connection between friendship and longevity. His team studied 1,368 heart disease patients for nine years. They discovered that just being married (even if it was a bad marriage) or having a good friend was a predictor of who lived and who died after a heart attack.

"What we found," says Dr. Williams, "was that those patients with neither a spouse nor a friend were three times more likely to die than those involved in a caring relationship."

As a woman, you'll tend to have more intimate friendships than men do. "Women are more emotional and more willing to express emotional needs. When they feel the need to meet new people or just to talk, they're much more likely to approach someone. It's a good quality," says Michael Cunningham, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Louisville in Kentucky.

But just being willing to express emotions isn't always enough when it comes to making friends. Many women have difficulty developing relationships because they lack certain relationship-building skills. Fortunately, it's never too late to start learning them.

You Reap What You Sow

Friends don't spring up like wildflowers. They have to be cultivated like roses. And, like roses, they'll keep blooming and growing as long as you nourish them. Here are some tips for growing a garden of friends and reaping the age-erasing benefits of love and friendship.

Be a friend for life. Friendships don't happen overnight. They require exchanges of trust and confidence that can only develop over time, says Dr. Cunningham. You have to maintain and nourish your friends by showing genuine and continuing interest in them. Don't just say "How are you?" Say it and really listen to the response. And then tell them how you are doing.

Try new activities. Often you attract friends to the extent that you are doing things they are interested in, says Dr. Cunningham. The message: "Be willing to try new activities that will put you in contact with people who might turn out to be good friends," he says.

Be open and be real. "Friendship depends on sharing and responding to each other," says Dr. Kennedy. "There's no formula for making friends. The real requirement is just being yourself and showing who you are to someone else."

Many women have the idea that revealing themselves is a tremendous risk, that they might face ridicule, says Arthur Wassmer, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Kirkland, Washington, and author of Making Contact. This feeling usually comes from low self-esteem and makes women believe they aren't worthy of sharing their feelings with another person, he says. In reality, he adds, you're almost never going to get a bad response from someone when you try to be genuine and open with something personal.

Ask for what you need. Just because you tell someone your problems doesn't mean you'll get the emotional support you need, according to Dr. Cunningham. You have to ask for the type of support you need. If you want advice, say so. If you want acceptance and sympathy, let your friend know that too.

Find a group of sympathetic people. It's a catch-22, but people who are lonely and needy have the most trouble making friends. Their neediness scares others off. Dr. Cunningham says people develop "social allergies" to needy people and become wary and irritated with them. That's why it helps to look for friends among people who understand what you're going through. If you're a grieving widow or a recovering addict or if you suffer from any number of alienating problems, look into the self-help or 12-step groups in your area. There's bound to be one for you. These groups can help an isolated person deal with her problems and eventually become less needy and thus more attractive to others.

Have male buddies. Try having simple nonsexual friendships with men you like. Sometimes women appreciate their men friends because they provide the male point of view, and it can be useful to hear the male angle once in a while. The guy can offer brotherly advice that gives the woman a different perspective than she would get from her female friends.

Reach out and fax someone. These days, people are so busy that it can be difficult to find time for friends. But there are always telephones, faxes and old-fashioned letters. You don't have to have constant direct contact to maintain a good friendship.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. It can be dangerous to rely on one person for all of your emotional support, whether it's a friend or your husband. What if your only friend gets tired of listening to you talk about your problems? Or what if you're suddenly widowed and left without anyone to turn to? You'll suddenly be lonely and isolated, and you will probably feel a lot older in a short period of time. It's wiser to spread your emotional needs around to various people.