Honesty
Honesty
Truth's Healthy Consequences
It's Monday morning and the boss is boiling. The computer crashed over the weekend and erased the Borkburger files, wiping out six days' worth of work.
Oops. You meant to make backup copies Friday, but got swamped with long-distance calls, last-minute details and spur-of-the-moment planning for a weekend getaway. So what do you say to the boss?
A) "Sorry, Edith. Lots of unexpected things came up Friday. I got really busy and forgot."
B) "Sorry, Edith. Mary over there forgot to do it."
C) "Sorry, Edith. My aunt Jenny is sick, the car overheated, my dog has fleas and . . . gee, that's a really pretty dress you're wearing."
Try "A"--the truth--for your health's sake. Honesty is more than just the best policy. It's a great anti-aging prescription, too, capable of relieving tons of stress and worry, helping you sleep easier at night, strengthening relationships and restoring self-confidence.
"The bottom line about honesty is that it makes you feel better," says psychologist Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., head of the Branden Institute for Self-Esteem in Beverly Hills and author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. "When you tell the truth, you respect yourself and you strengthen your self-esteem."
That doesn't mean you should always blurt out exactly what's on your mind. Such relentless honesty can lead to strained friendships and angry, revenge-minded colleagues, according to Michael W. Mercer, Ph.D., an industrial psychologist, president of the Mercer Group in Chicago and author of How Winners Do It: High-Impact People Skills for Your Career Success.
"But once you establish that you are honest, people will respond positively," Dr. Mercer says. "They'll begin to value your opinion, because what you say is what you mean."
Unraveling the Yarns
Everyone knows someone like Falsehood Fanny Baker, voted Most Likely to be Lying at Any Given Moment by her high school classmates. Through the years you watched Fanny progress from "The dog ate it, Teacher" to "Of course I love you, Sweetheart" to "I would never think of going to Aspen without looking up Goldie and Kurt, darling."
Dr. Mercer says some women feel the urge to fudge a little to make their lives seem a little more important. The problem is that once they start, it's tough to stop adding new layers of lies. Pretty soon they're telling one person one thing, the next person something else and their bosses something else again.
The result? Dr. Mercer says these people build giant expectations, prom-ising themselves and others things they're not capable of delivering. They try to be something they simply cannot be: perfect. That disappoints them and their acquaintances; they start feeling lousy about themselves and fret all the time about who's going to find them out.
"It's a whole lot easier on everyone to just tell the truth," Dr. Branden says. "That way you don't ever have to remember what you said the night before or two months before. And other people come to know exactly what you're all about."
Make a Commitment
It sounds so simple: Just tell the truth. But experts say that honesty takes commitment and a fair amount of courage. If you want to add more honesty to your life, try these truthful tips.
Take responsibility. Honesty comes from within. It's an open expression of how you feel and what you think. And Dr. Branden says it's best to express yourself that way.
"Remember: Your opinions and feelings count," he says. Dr. Branden also says it's a good idea to tell people the truth in the first person. Say "I need to tell you about something that's bothering me" or "This is how I feel about what's been happening in our relationship."
These "I" phrases serve two purposes, according to Dr. Branden. First, they're a signal to the other person that you're talking from your heart. It's much more intimate to say "I'm worried about your drinking" than to say "You're making a fool out of yourself by drinking so much."
Second, "I" phrases are a form of self-affirmation. By talking openly about your feelings in the first person, you're telling yourself that your thoughts matter. "It's an excellent way to build self-esteem," Dr. Branden says.
Make honesty a goal. "Resolve to tell the truth, starting now," says Dr. Branden. "It may seem scary at first, but the sooner you begin, the better."
Start small if you wish. Let your friend at work know that you think his report could use a little more polish. Tell your husband that you think it's time to retire his favorite T-shirt.
Soon you'll feel better about sharing deeper feelings with friends and lovers--which is why they're friends and lovers in the first place.
Clear the decks. Mom thinks you've been going to church every Sunday for the past 13 years. But Pastor Peterson wouldn't know you from Eve herself. Tell Ma the truth. She might be a little hurt at first, but Dr. Branden says it will relieve the pressure of always having to lie to her. Ultimately, he says, it probably will strengthen your relationship.
Dr. Mercer offers a basic rule: If a fib from the past still bothers you, come clean about it. Try an opening line like this: "I told you something in the past that wasn't true. I really value our relationship, so I want to set it straight." Telling someone you care about them first will soften the blow, Dr. Mercer says.
Know your limits. Everyone wants to be liked. But sometimes the desire for approval makes you commit to things you can't possibly do. Don't spread yourself too thin trying to please the world, Dr. Mercer says. And never promise to complete a task that you have neither the time nor the expertise to handle.
"If you can't hang wallpaper, you're better off telling your friend to hire a professional," Dr. Mercer says. Otherwise, your friend will end up with crooked wallpaper, and you could end up with one less friend.
Accentuate the positive. Remember that honesty is a positive emotion. Being honest doesn't mean only telling people what you dislike about them, Dr. Branden says. Tell them what you like--their hairstyle, their work, their willingness to listen.
Be a little easier on yourself. You aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean you're a failure. "Admit that you have strengths as well as weaknesses," Dr. Mercer says. "See yourself in a positive way, and it will become a lot easier to always tell the truth."
Truth Doesn't Have to Hurt Your boyfriend meets you at a restaurant wearing the single most repulsive plaid blazer you have ever seen. "Do you like it?" he asks, strutting to the table. What do you say? A) "That is the single most repulsive plaid blazer I have ever seen." B) "That is the single most gorgeous plaid blazer I have ever seen." C) "I have never seen a blazer quite like that." Well, "B" is out because it's just untrue. "A" is risky. You might end up eating alone. "C" may seem like a cop-out, but is it really? "It's important to be honest. But be honest and tactful," suggests Michael W. Mercer, Ph.D., an industrial psychologist and president of the Mercer Group in Chicago. Remember that honesty is a very powerful tool. People like to feel good about themselves, so spilling the raw truth may lead to hard feelings, Dr. Mercer says. Some people can handle more bluntness than others. "People who get along in life act a little differently with everyone they meet," Dr. Mercer says. "You need to figure out who you can tell the truth to flat-out and who you have to handle with care." For more sensitive people, Dr. Mercer suggests opening phrases like "You have a point," "That's quite an idea/report/leotard" and "I've been listening to you, and you may be right." That gives you a little room to dodge, to start a conversation without putting the other person on the defensive. Once you've shown people respect and won their trust, Dr. Mercer says you can work up to your point more easily. "There's no sense making someone angry for no reason," he says. "You'll never be able to communicate that way, whether you're completely honest or not." |