Marriage
Marriage
It Could Be for Better
Getting married can be one of the scariest things you'll ever do. But what draws you to that walk down the aisle is the hope that life will be better when you're married than it was when you were single. Will it? Maybe.
If you're happily married, you probably drink less, eat fewer junk foods and exercise more regularly. You may seem more relaxed and upbeat and get sick less often.
"Clearly, a satisfying marriage can help you feel younger and more alive. It's good for your health, and it can help you live a more productive and happier life," says Howard Markman, Ph.D., a University of Denver psychologist and co-author of We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict.
What's So Good about It
If you ask a dozen scientists if being married will help you live longer, you might get 12 different answers. Researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics, for example, estimate that married women live about ten years longer than single women. Many studies show that single and divorced women are more prone to illness, injury and suicide than happily married women.
In a survey of 47,000 households, the National Center for Health Statistics found that married women were more likely to say their health is good or excellent than single, divorced or widowed women. Married women also were less likely to have chronic illness, reported six fewer sick days per year than divorced women and recovered more quickly from colds, flu and injuries than single or divorced women did. And divorced women reported twice as many injuries.
Other studies indicate that the life span of single and married women is about the same. But there's also research that suggests single women outlive their married friends, says Estelle Ramey, Ph.D., physiologist and professor emeritus at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
Why such conflicting statistics? Because, say experts, it's not marriage itself but the happiness of the marriage that contributes to a woman's longevity.
"A woman's health seems to follow the health of the relationship," says Robert W. Levenson, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley. "If the marriage is satisfying, then their health seems to be good. If they're in an unsatisfying marriage, their health suffers.
It's not the same for men, however, who benefit from any kind of marriage. For men, the quality of married life doesn't seem to matter. Their health seems to improve even if they're in a wretched marriage.
Researchers are puzzled by this difference. Some suspect single women eat better, exercise more and generally take better care of themselves than single men. So when a couple weds--and a married man usually adopts his wife's lifestyle--there are few changes that would have a positive influence on a woman's health. At the same time, she's usually spending more time on household chores and cooking.
Others like Dr. Levenson speculate that as men in bad marriages detach themselves emotionally from the relationship, women work harder and harder to heal the wounds. That effort takes its toll on a woman's health.
"In a bad marriage, there's a lot of anger, recrimination and other emotions flying around, but for some reason it doesn't stick to men the way it does to women. Men walk away from it," says Dr. Levenson. "Women are much less likely to withdraw. They often hang in there trying to solve the problems in the marriage until the bitter end. That can produce a lot of stress that is potentially bad for your health," he says.
The Look of Love When you look at your husband these days, do you see yourself staring back? It's a good possibility, particularly if you're in a long-lasting relationship. After closely examining the photographs of 12 couples who had been married for at least 25 years, a panel of observers at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor concluded that facial features of couples do become more similar after years of living together. Why? Couples tend to unconsciously mimic each other's facial expressions, says Robert Zajonc, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Over time, this mimicry reshapes facial muscles and wrinkles so that their faces acquire many of the same features. Couples also tend to adopt the same hand gestures, body posture and gait, Dr. Zajonc says. |
It May Help in a Crisis
Even if a married woman does get a life-threatening ailment, she is more likely to seek treatment earlier and has a better chance of survival than her single sister. In fact, after looking at 27,779 cases of cancer, James Goodwin, M.D., director of the Center on Aging at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, concluded that married women had survival rates that were comparable to single women who were ten years younger.
"That was a rather striking finding," Dr. Goodwin says. "The treatments for cancer--chemotherapy and radiation--can make you feel very sick. So it just makes sense that having a supportive partner makes it easier for patients to cope."
A happy marriage can help you recover from other serious illnesses, too. In a small preliminary study, women who suffered heart attacks and were able to talk openly and honestly with their husbands about it reported better health and were less likely to have chest pains or be readmitted to the hospital within a year following the attack, according to Vicki Helgeson, Ph.D., a psychologist at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh.
Women who are satisfied with their marriages also are less likely to suffer from major depression than women who are in troubled unions, says James Coyne, Ph.D., professor of psychology in the Departments of Family Practice and Psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor.
In addition, researchers at Ohio State University found that the more put-downs, sarcasm and other hostile words and gestures newlywed couples used when discussing marital conflicts, the more likely they would have higher blood pressure and weakened immune systems. No, a marital argument on Tuesday doesn't mean you'll get a cold on Wednesday. But researchers conclude that couples who often engage in ugly arguments may be more susceptible to infection and disease.
Calling It Quits Your relationship is colder than an ice cube. Your passion has been missing for so long that you've considered calling the search-and-rescue squad. But is it time for you to split up? "Ending a marriage is the psychological equivalent of cutting off your own arm or leg. It's going to hurt," says John Mirowsky, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Ohio State University in Columbus. But there are some clear indications that it may be time to end your marriage. And they range from alcohol or drug problems to emotional or physical abuse to the simple inability to communicate anymore. "My patients always ask me when they should leave. I tell them 'You'll know when it's time,' " says Sherelynn Lehman, a licensed family, marriage and sex therapist in private practice in Cleveland. "It's when your soul dies, when your spirit gets trampled on. I say 'til death do you part' means the death of the spirit. If you're dying inside, then perhaps it's time to move on." |
Keeping Those Bells Ringing
You have your spats, your passion wavers and sometimes boredom suffocates you. Despite all that, you treasure the man in your life. But even the best relationships need occasional tune-ups. Here are some suggestions to keep your marriage ticking.
Make the moment happen. If you don't schedule time together, it may never happen. Try to spend at least 20 minutes a day just talking with each other. "You exercise that much each day to keep your body in shape; you need to spend at least that much time keeping your marriage in shape, too," says Sherelynn Lehman, a licensed family, marriage and sex therapist in private practice in Cleveland.
Listen until you hear him. If your husband tells you that he feels frustrated because you seem to be tuning him out, stop, acknowledge that he may be right and take time to really listen to him, says Dennis Gersten, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice in San Diego. Let him know that you heard what he said by repeating his concern back to him: "I know it must be frustrating that I worked late and didn't phone you." If that's not what he's upset about, then ask him to repeat it until you understand. "Say 'I'm really trying to understand your concern, but I don't seem to be getting it. Could you say it in a different way that might make it clearer to me?' " Dr. Gersten suggests.
Surprise him. "To keep the spark in the marriage alive, you need to be creative," says Ruth Rice, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Dallas. Arrange occasional surprises like a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast or a moonlit walk around a lake or just slip a romantic card under his pillow.
Play together, stay together. Common interests and hobbies relieve boredom and are the glue that holds many good marriages together. "The couple that really enjoys doing things together like traveling, golf or tennis is going to have an advantage as they get into the later years of their marriage and they have more time on their hands," says Martin Goldberg, M.D., a psychiatrist and director of the Marriage Council of Philadelphia, a counseling service.
Laugh it up. "Being able to be childlike and laugh together is important because it means that you feel comfortable enough to allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other," says Arlene Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist on the faculty of the Family Institute of Philadelphia.
Retying the Knot More than half of all marriages end in divorce. You were devastated when your union fell apart. But here you are, thinking about heading for the altar again. In a sense that's good, because divorced women who remarry probably regain many of the health advantages of happily married women, says Patrick McKenry, Ph.D., a professor of Family Relations and Human Development at Ohio State University in Columbus. But before you enter the chapel of love, you should ponder a few things that can increase your chances of a happy and lasting marriage this time around. First, don't rush into a new marriage. "The way a lot of women try to adjust to divorce is to remarry," Dr. McKenry says. He says a woman needs about one to two years before moving on to another serious relationship. Ask yourself what you expect out of marriage, suggests Joel Kahan, M.D., a psychiatrist at the Medical College of Georgia School of Medicine in Augusta who has studied multiple marriages. "If a woman doesn't want or expect a strong, intimate relationship, then perhaps she shouldn't be married," Dr. Kahan says. "She'll need to work on that issue before she dives into another relationship." Carefully consider what went wrong in your last marriage and ask yourself if similar problems loom in your new relationship. "A huge number of women remarry men who are very much like their previous spouses. That's one of the most important things to avoid," says Sol Gordon, Ph.D., psychologist, professor emeritus at Syracuse University in New York and author of Why Love Is Not Enough. If your new love has any bothersome traits that remind you of your ex-husband, ask yourself if you think you can cope with them better this time. If not, don't get married. |
Focus on your feelings. The surest way to start a fight, according to Dr. Goldman, is to say things like "You're wrong" or "I think you're being silly." She adds, " 'You' statements are almost always thoughts and are usually hurtful." Instead, try saying "I feel anxious when I don't know where you are. One way you can help me cope with that feeling is to get a message to me so I know where I can get in touch with you." That's much less challenging than "You're always late."
Look at yourself first. Focus on your own faults rather than your partner's, Dr. Markman suggests. You have more control over your own behavior than your partner's actions, and often when one person in a relationship starts making changes, the other will follow.
Small changes make a difference. "Making big changes in a relationship is really the result of making a series of small changes," Dr. Markman says. "If you can say just one less critical thing to your spouse each day, you could be on your way to significant change."
Stop the sting. A sharp-tongued put-down in the middle of an argument may feel good, but the hurt of that one zinger will erase your last 20 acts of kindness from your husband's memory, Dr. Markman says. It's better to bite your tongue than to needlessly open a new wound.
No finger-pointing. Blaming your husband rather than acknowledging that you share some of the responsibility for a problem in your relationship increases the likelihood you'll end up in divorce court, Dr. Markman says. To break out of that pattern, try telling your husband "I know we've been caught up in this pattern of criticizing each other at the drop of a hat lately, so I'm going to work on being less critical of you and try to see you in a more positive light."
Divide housework fairly. If you or your husband is doing more than your share of the housework, that can cause resentment, Dr. Rice says. List everything you need to accomplish: cleaning, laundry, shopping, yard work, bill paying, home repairs. Then negotiate a fair division that includes an equal number of things that each of you enjoys doing and things you consider to be drudgery. If your budget allows it, consider hiring people to help you.
Let gadgets do it. If television is important to one of you but not the other, watching it may rob you of quality time together, Dr. Rice says. Get a VCR, tape the show and watch it later. If the telephone is constantly ringing, get an answering machine and screen your messages so you can spend time with your spouse.
Coping with a Cheatin' Heart Your best friend is the talk of the office now that her love affair has destroyed her marriage. Fortunately, nothing like that could ever happen to your relationship, right? "You can never be 100 percent certain that your marriage will be immune from affairs," says Sherelynn Lehman, a licensed family, marriage and sex therapist in private practice in Cleveland and author of Love Me, Love Me Not: How to Survive Infidelity. "You must woo your mate every day. You can't let down your guard." Out there, she says, is someone who thinks your husband is a really good catch. Women and men are often attracted to affairs out of boredom or loneliness, Lehman says. Maintaining good communication and keeping zest in your sex life are among the keys to preventing an affair. But an affair doesn't mean all is lost. "A marriage rocked by an affair is like an egg that cracks. Although the crack will always be there, you can work around it. The marriage doesn't have to shatter, but counseling is essential," Lehman says. |