Sex

Sex

It Does a Body Good

You and your friends have wondered for years about the "glow" a woman supposedly gets after having good sex. But how many of you have actually seen it?

Next time you're feeling good after sex, get up and look at yourself in the mirror: You're beautiful, confident, energetic and alive. See? There really is a glow.

You know why you feel so good. But that glow is more than a feeling. Scientists attribute it to endorphins--chemicals that are released in the brain after sex. These chemicals create a sense of euphoria and ease your stress, says Helen S. Kaplan, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Human Sexuality Teaching Program at New York Hospital­Cornell Medical Center in New York City.

Medical researchers say regular doses of sex can also soothe chronic aches and pains, spur creativity, rev up energy and make you feel youthful.

"Anything that makes you feel good, alive and physically excited will make you feel more youthful. All of those things are associated with sex," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a sex therapist and psychologist in San Francisco and writer of the video Sex after Fifty.

Intimacy can also bolster your immune system and protect you against disease, Dr. Kaplan says.

For instance, sex has helped women cope with the pain of such chronic diseases as arthritis, says Sanford Roth, M.D., a rheumatologist and director of the Arthritis Center in Phoenix. Endorphins relieve the pain, but Dr. Roth believes sex has a vital psychological impact, too.

"Many times when patients come to me, pain isn't their number-one issue. They're more concerned about how the disease is affecting the quality of their lives, and sexuality is an important part of that," Dr. Roth says. "So maintaining sexual function in the face of disease helps people feel better about themselves and their lives."

Sex also might put an end to the pain that spawned the age-old excuse "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache." While sex isn't a sure cure, researchers have found it actually can relieve some headaches. In one small study, 47 percent of people with migraines said sex relieved their pain, according to George H. Sands, M.D., assistant professor of neurology at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City. One possible reason is that orgasms short-circuit the nervous system activity that's causing the pain. (On the other hand, sex can sometimes cause headaches. If it does, discuss it with your doctor.)

Sex Can Be Forever

You probably were sexually stimulated in the womb before you were born, and you can remain sexually active until you die, says William Masters, M.D., of the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis. In fact, seven out of ten women older than 70 who have partners have sex at least once a week.

"Sex is a natural function throughout your life if you have an interesting partner and remain healthy. It's not going to go away," Dr. Kaplan says. "It's abnormal for sex to disappear. The normal person has sex until the end of her life."

Sex can also be self-affirming. "Sex can help make you feel competent. It's a way of connecting with someone else. It can help you feel in charge of your own destiny," says Marty Klein, Ph.D., a licensed marriage counselor and sex therapist in Palo Alto, California, and author of Ask Me Anything: A Sex Therapist Answers the Most Important Questions for the '90s. "Sex is a place where you can go and not be bound by the ordinary rules of life."

"Sex often becomes more--not less--important as we age," Dr. Kaplan says. "It's one of the last processes to be affected by aging. First, the skin and your vision goes, then you get arthritis and heart disease. But you can still have sex. It's one of the enduring pleasures of life."

Picking the Right Contraceptive

While no birth control method has a 100 percent success rate, a contraceptive may be a powerful safeguard against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) if used properly, says Michael Brodman, M.D., professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine of the City University of New York.

There are many types of birth control available to women including the Pill, intrauterine devices (IUDs), diaphragms, female condoms, sponges, spermicides, hormonal injections and a surgically implanted conception rod that works for up to five years.

Choosing the birth control method that's right for you might require advice from your doctor. But a few general guidelines will help you make your choice, Dr. Brodman says.

First, if you're using contraception to avoid STDs, use a barrier contraceptive such as the female condom, sponge or diaphragm or have your partner wear a condom. A spermicide containing nonoxynol 9 should be used with both the diaphragm and the male condom because it is effective against the virus that causes AIDS.

If you're using contraceptives for birth control and you absolutely cannot take any chances, use the Pill, an implant or hormonal injections because they have the highest success rates, Dr. Brodman suggests.

If the male condom is your choice, you must use a spermicide because condoms are only 80 percent effective in preventing pregnancy when used alone. Spermicides must also be used with the diaphragm, which may shift during intercourse and allow sperm to enter the uterus, increasing the likelihood of pregnancy.

What Men Really Want from Women

You want to talk, he wants sex. You want to snuggle, he wants sex. You want commitment, he says oops, it's time to go. Perplexed? Join the club.

"Men are often more able to separate sex from the emotional relationship. Unlike most women, they can have relationships that are purely physical," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a sex therapist and psychologist in San Francisco. "A lot of men have difficulty getting into intimacy. Sex is a way they can do that. So they often start their relationships with sex and bring the feelings in later."

"Men are toxic to too much closeness," agrees Anthony Pietropinto, M.D., a psychiatrist in New York City and author of Not Tonight, Dear: How to Reawaken Your Sexual Desire. "Many men don't like women who want you to talk about your deepest emotions."

Men like novelty in their sexual lives, Dr. Pietropinto says. They're more likely to suggest that you wear provocative clothing or seek exotic places to have sex.

When you do make love, a man is probably more concerned about his performance than you are. "A woman wants to know if the guy likes being close to her and finds her attractive. The guy is interested in finding out how he did," Dr. Pietropinto says.

On the bright side, many of these traits fade as a man ages and his sex drive declines. After about age 45, men need more psychological stimulation and as a result often become more sensitive, caring and receptive to a woman's emotional needs, says Helen S. Kaplan, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Human Sexuality Teaching Program at New York Hospital­Cornell Medical Center in New York City.

Making Great Sex Better

For good sex, keep your body healthy by avoiding smoke and fatty foods, which can clog blood vessels and make arousal and orgasm difficult. Here are some other tips to add zing to your sex life.

Get physical. Aerobic exercise three times a week, 20 to 30 minutes a session, can improve your sex drive and performance, says Roger Crenshaw, M.D., a psychiatrist and sex therapist in private practice in La Jolla, California. Researchers at Bentley College in Waltham, Massachusetts, found, for example, that women in their forties who swam regularly had sex about seven times a month and enjoyed it more than their sedentary peers, who only had sex three times a month. In other words, the swimmers were as sexually active as women 10 to 20 years younger.

Talk it over. Talking with your partner helps both of you explain what you want sexually. If you don't tell him what you really want, then don't expect him to please you, says Shirley Zussman, Ed.D., a sex and marital therapist and co-director of the Association for Male Sexual Dysfunction in New York City. Avoid saying negative things like "That doesn't feel good" or "You know I don't like that." Instead, keep it positive: "I enjoy sex with you, but I have some ideas about making it even better."

It's show time. While talking helps, often showing your partner what pleases you is just as useful. If he's grabbing your breasts or rubbing you too hard, for example, gently take his hand and show him how you prefer to be stroked, Dr. Klein suggests.

Broaden your horizons. "Intercourse is overemphasized as a sexual activity," Dr. Klein says. "Most couples would benefit from seeing sex as a much broader set of experiences." So take time to kiss, hug, caress, hold hands, talk or do other sexually pleasing activities such as mutual masturbation that make you feel close to your partner, he suggests.

Make time for whoopee. "I know it sounds comical, but some couples say they just don't have time for sex," says Carol Lassen, Ph.D., a psychologist and clinical professor of psychology at the University of Colorado School of Medicine in Denver. "Why? Everything else comes first. They can't have sex because they have to do the laundry or watch a football game or just get some sleep. They have very little time left for each other."

Rather than letting sex get lost in the daily grind, schedule time for it, says Michael Seiler, Ph.D., author of Inhibited Sexual Desire and assistant director of the Phoenix Institute in Chicago. "You'd make reservations in a fancy restaurant for 7:00 Saturday night. Why not say you'll meet in the bedroom at 9:00 p.m. Tuesday?" he says. "How do you know you'll be in the mood? You don't. But you don't know if you'll be hungry on Saturday night, either."

The Joy of Celibacy

"Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures," according to Samuel Johnson, an eighteenth-century wit. But that assessment is way off target, experts say. Many couples and more than a few single women find celibacy gratifying and say that it actually bolsters their relationships and self-esteem.

About one in ten married couples abstain from sex, according to Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia and author of The Art of Staying Together. Some people are celibate because of religious convictions, medication side effects or chronic illnesses. But a growing number of couples are actually celibate because they want to strengthen their bond in other ways.

Many singles choose abstinence in part to protect themselves from AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases or even to finish their M.B.A., says Shirley Zussman, Ed.D., a sex and marital therapist and co-director of the Association for Male Sexual Dysfunction in New York City. Some single women say that they are simply waiting for someone really special.

"One big advantage of choosing to be celibate for some period of your life is that it gives you an opportunity to fully understand the place of sex in your life or relationship," says Harrison Voigt, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, sex therapist and professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. "It offers you a chance to see how well you can really relate to others outside of the sexual sphere."

Here are some guidelines for choosing celibacy.

* Realize that you'll continue to have sexual urges but you don't have to act on them.

* Consider your celibacy a vacation--a time to rest or try new experiences. Instead of thinking of it as a deprivation, consider it a choice. See it as an opportunity to find deeper meaning in your life.

* Remember, it doesn't have to be forever. You can stop being celibate anytime you choose. When you do, sex may be even more exciting and rewarding than ever.

Check your hang-ups at the door. "Leave work, religion and your performance expectations outside the bedroom door," Dr. Barbach suggests. "Simply go into the bedroom with your body and your feelings. Focus on the emotional connection you have with your partner and the pleasure your body has in store."

Keep it fun. "Do you know what the Eskimos call sex? Laughing time," Dr. Zussman says. "Sex can be fun, frivolous and relaxing. We are so far from that in our society. We feel like we have to have fantastic sex each and every time." Forget performance, Dr. Zussman says. Just concentrate on having a good time with your partner and sex will be much more like laughing time than working overtime.

Get back to basics. "Couples stop doing the very things that brought them together in the first place," Dr. Seiler says. "They don't write each other little notes or send flowers. They don't give each other back rubs or go out on dates. You really have to work to keep the fun and play in the relationship. Without it, there won't be any fun and play in the bedroom."

So prepare a romantic candlelight dinner or ask him to take an evening walk around the block. Hold hands. You might be pleased with where it leads.

Get a good sexual cookbook. If your sex life, like stale soda, has lost most of its fizz, try browsing through sex manuals or watching erotic videos together for new ideas, says Domeena Renshaw, M.D., director of the Sexual Dysfunction Clinic at Loyola University of Chicago Stritch School of Medicine in Maywood.

Keep an eye on him. "Sustained eye contact during sex breeds intimacy. Often, it's more intimate than kissing or holding hands," says Harrison Voigt, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, sex therapist and professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. "It's a way to get people in touch with a powerful form of union that isn't physical."

Create a ritual. Lighting a candle, massaging each other's feet or collaborating on the exchange of some special intimacies can become a part of a unique ritual that can help some couples connect emotionally before sex, Dr. Voigt says. "A ritual is basically a mutual agreement that sex should be something unique for the couple. It doesn't have to be complex, but it should change the context of sex into something that is special rather than just rolling over in bed and saying 'Hey, let's do it.' "

Don't keep score. If you had sex four times last week and had an orgasm each time, but had sex only once this week and did not have an orgasm, don't push to keep pace. "Frequency isn't as important as truly enjoying the sex that you do have," Dr. Zussman says.

The bedroom isn't a workplace. Your bedroom should be a place where you and your partner can retreat for intimate interludes. If it's cluttered with computers, the television, a typewriter and filing cabinets, it's more like an office. "There's something about disorder that distracts from romance. The bedroom should have a certain tranquillity," Dr. Zussman says.

What Your Dream Lovers Are Telling You

You dream that you're naked at a elegant party. Embarrassed, you try to hide behind your husband, but Tom Cruise spots you from across the room, walks up and asks you to dance.

What does it mean? Nothing except that you're probably a typical woman.

"For women, sexual dreams usually are romantic and, more often than not, about a man she knows or someone like a boyfriend, movie star or rock musician who is emotionally significant to her," says Robert Van de Castle, Ph.D., professor emeritus of behavioral medicine at the University of Virginia Medical Center and past president of the Association for the Study of Dreams.

Women who have sexual dreams probably have better sex lives than those who don't dream about sex that much, he says. That's because women who are comfortable with their sexuality in the real world are more likely to dream about it.

If you have a sexual problem, it can show up in your dreams. "If a woman can't reach orgasm, she might dream that she is made of snow, symbolizing that she feels cold and frigid," Dr. Van de Castle says.

But some sex dreams might not be about sex at all, says Gayle Delaney, Ph.D., a San Francisco psychologist and author of Sexual Dreams. "For example, if you dream about having sex with a co-worker, it rarely means you have an unrecognized desire to have sex with that person," she says. "If that co-worker is incredibly selfish, your dream may represent some selfish aspect of your own character or the character of someone you are intimate with."

You can't even escape aging in your dreams. "Generally, we tend to dream about sexual partners who are our own age," Dr. Van de Castle says. "The vast majority of the people you see in your dreams are within 20 years of your own age."

Have you or a family member had an experience with this? Help others by sharing your story now.

  7. Leave this field empty

Required Field