Sibling Rivalry
SIBLING RIVALRYSuggestions to Stop the Slugfest
So, your kids don't exactly get along like the Waltons. Okay, so they get along more like the World Wrestling Federation. This is normal, right?
Wrong. Although parents can't necessarily recreate the warm, fuzzy feelings the siblings on Walton's Mountain had for each other, there are certainly many ways to avoid full-scale warfare among brothers and sisters. ' You can easily make their interaction a better experience by what you do,' says child and family psychologist Barry Ginsberg, Ph.D., executive director of the Center of Relationship Enhancement in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.
'There are no easy answers, but it's important to remember that some conflict can be constructive--provided it doesn't get out of hand,' says Dr. Ginsberg. 'Stresses and fights occur because that's how we negotiate a new, more stable level of relationship. But kids tend to be clumsy at this, and so they need their parents' help.'
Here are a few ways to maintain the peace in your household.
Set clear limits. You may not be able to stop your children from arguing, but you can keep disagreements from escalating into brawls, says James Bozigar, a licensed social worker and coordinator of community relations for the Family Intervention Center at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. 'Make it clear that hitting and the behaviors that often provoke it--name calling, taunting, attacking personal weaknesses--are off limits,' he says. ' You can say, ' You don't have to love your baby sister, you don't even have to like her, but you must stop hitting her.' '
Call a family powwow. If you're trying to establish new guidelines for behavior, it's better if the siblings themselves play a role in figuring out what those guidelines would be, says Adele Faber, coauthor of Siblings without Rivalry. Faber, who conducts nationwide workshops on sibling relationships, recommends calling a family meeting to do just that.
'Open the floor to discussion,' she says. 'When it's a rule the child has helped fashion, he'll want to try to make it work. But if it's a rule imposed from on high, he'll be more likely to test or challenge it.'
Reinforce the family's new guidelines. If the rule is 'no hitting,' the disciplinary action for infractions should be a time-out, says Mark Roberts, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Idaho State University in Pocatello. Dr. Roberts and his colleagues have studied which techniques are most effective in stopping sibling aggression. 'Calling time-out wins hands down,' he says. ' When the kids begin to fight, parents should say, 'No hitting in this house. You sit on this chair, and you sit on that chair.' The chairs should be up against walls and around the corner from each other so the kids can't see each other. Wait two to five minutes, then talk with the kids about their argument. They will probably have cooled off, so this is a good time to discuss alternatives to fighting.'
Substitute words for fists. Brothers and sisters who fight often don't know how to share, take turns, consider others' feelings or negotiate--all skills they're going to need to form relationships outside the home, says Faber. 'So one of the rules that is especially helpful is, 'Say it with words, not with fists,' ' she says. By using language to express their anger, siblings take the first step on the road to mutually respectful relationships.
Says Faber: 'The sweetest thing I heard was from a mother who had tried this method. She called me and said, 'I passed by the kids' room today and saw my older child with his fists raised about to clobber his younger sister. She looked up at him and said, 'Michael, use your words.' He stopped, with his fists in mid-air, and said, 'Get out of my room!' She said, 'I'm going.' I was so pleased.' I told that mother, 'Now, that's civilized behavior.' '
Don't ask who started it. The usual response to the question, ' Who started it?' is a two-parter: 'He did.' 'No, she did.' But you don't want to play judge or jury, says Faber. ' You won't get to the bottom of it. The bottom is bound to be murky. Often you'll hear, 'I had to hit him because I could tell he was about to hit me.' ' It's better to say, 'Boy, you two sound angry at each other!' That statement diminishes rage and provides an opening for a discussion of the children's real grievances. 'So, Adam, you're upset because you want to watch T V. And, Jim, you're upset because you need quiet to study. What can be done in a case like this?'
Reflect feelings back to the child. Very few kids are really happy about sharing their parents' love and attention with someone else, even if that someone else is related to them. Negative feelings toward siblings are normal, says Faber. 'It's important to allow those negative emotions to surface. Feelings that are banished don't vanish. They either go underground and get expressed in dreams, nightmares, headaches and stomachaches, or they're acted out in punches or pinches,' she says.
Faber suggests listening to your child's feelings and then reflecting them back in a way that acknowledges the child's mixed emotions about a sibling--who is, after all, both an interloper and a playmate. 'A father in one of my workshops listened to his son's long list of objections to his new baby sister. Then he reflected back to the boy, 'Sounds to me as if part of you wants her out of here forever. And part of you is sometimes glad she's here.' Periodically over the next few weeks, the little boy said, 'Daddy, tell me again about my two feelings.' I think that child is well on his way to emotional health,' says Faber.
Create a special time for one-to-one parenting. ' When a new sibling arrives, reserve special times when you can fully commit yourself to being with the older child,' says Dr. Ginsberg. 'Don't allow any external events to change this. The older child needs to be confident that he will have his special time alone with the parent.'
Ask the older child to give you a hand. An older sibling will feel more involved in things if you give her a simple job to do, like bringing you diapers. 'This will increase the child's sense of importance and responsibility,' says Dr. Ginsberg. ' You can say, 'Now that we're busier with the new baby and you're older, you can have this job that will help out around the house.' Just be sure the task is meaningful--not some busy work invented simply to make the child feel better. 'That's phony, and kids can see right through it,' Dr. Ginsberg says.
Look for patterns. Sometimes, sibling fights exhibit a pattern, says Dr. Ginsberg. 'Once you see the pattern, you can head off clashes by structuring--that is, shaping the situation in advance for the best kind of interaction possible,' he observes.
'For example, if your children always fight when they get home from school, it may very well be to get your attention,' Dr. Ginsberg says. 'They've been away from you all day. If you're busy in the kitchen when they get home, they may feel this is the only way to get to you.' So what can you do? ' You can structure things differently by preparing dinner before your kids come in, and giving them your time and attention,' he says. 'Or include them in the mealpreparation process so they're there with you.'
Figure out a way to say ' you're special.' 'Children need to be seen and enjoyed as separate individuals,' says Faber. 'If you were to say to your husband, ' Who do you love more, your mother or me?' and he replied, 'Honey, I love you both equally,' he would be in big trouble. But if he said, 'Honey, there's no comparison. My mother is my mother and you're my beloved wife,' he'd be on safe ground. '
The same policy works for kids. For example, when little Amy asks, ' Who do you love best?' you can answer, 'Each of my children is special. You are my only Amy. No one has your thoughts, your feelings, your smile, your way of doing things. Boy, am I lucky you are my child.'
Respect sibling differences. While it may seem 'fair' to give each child the same number of pancakes in the morning, this 'fair' treatment doesn't recognize that each child's appetite may be different, says Faber. 'If you hear, 'Hey, you gave him three pancakes and you only gave me two,' respond with, 'Oh, are you still hungry? Do you want a whole pancake or just a half ? A whole? Well, one whole pancake coming up.' What you've done is shift the message from ' You are getting as much as your big brother' to 'I am meeting your individual needs.' '
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