Shyness
Shyness
Baby Steps Build Confidence
Carol Burnett was once a shy kid who worried that her classmates wouldn't like her. Carly Simon was withdrawn and stuttered as a teenager. Barbara Walters was a quiet kid and even today acknowledges moments of self-doubt. Even Elizabeth Taylor says she's a bit on the shy side.
Shyness, it seems, is a pretty common commodity, even in show biz.
"A large percentage of people report some degree of shyness at some time in their lives," confirms Melinda Stanley, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Texas Medical School in Houston.
WHAT MAKES PEOPLE SHY
As is so often the case, both genetic heritage and upbringing seem to determine whether we're shy or intrepid.
The problem with shyness is that it keeps you from speaking up, getting noticed and being heard, explains Myrna Shure, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Allegheny University of the Health Sciences in Philadelphia. And that can lead to depression, anxiety and loneliness.
TIPS FOR THE TIMID
Fortunately, most adults can also learn to manage and minimize shyness. You may still feel shy in some situations, but not as shy as often. Here are some options to try.
Check your assumptions. If you're the type who always tells herself, "I'm going to make a terrible impression," question the assumption, suggests Dr. Stanley. You haven't made terrible impressions before, have you? So isn't it irrational to think you will this time? Relax.
Breathe boldly. Dry mouth? Racing heart? To relax further, breathe slowly and deeply, says Dr. Stanley.
Play Barbara Walters. Not sure what to say? Pretend you are a journalist. Think of something that particularly interests you. Then make up a question about that interest. For example, "How do you feel about taking pictures in the park?" Now try answering the questions you just made up, out loud, suggests Dr. Shure.
Talk to the mirror first. To make it easier to talk to other people, talk to the mirror first. This will help you feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings. Think of three to five questions you can ask and then answer, says Dr. Shure.
Set goals. "Promise yourself you'll say at least one thing to one person within the first minute of arriving," says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of the audiotape Anxiety: Friend or Foe?. "Once you've said one thing, it's usually easier to say the next."
Give yourself time. "If you need more time, say to yourself, 'Okay, I need 30 minutes to warm up instead of three,'" says Leonora Stephens, M.D., a family systems psychiatrist and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School in Dallas.
"Some people can jump into the middle of a group and are comfortable immediately. Others feel shy when they first walk into a gathering but are fine once they've had time to warm up," says Dr. Stephens.
Practice. "The more exposure you have to anxiety-producing situations, the easier they'll be for you," says Dr. Stanley. If, like many shy people, you're afraid to give presentations, keep at it. Join a public speaking club like Toastmasters where you can practice in a supportive atmosphere. If meeting new people makes your palms sweat, keep doing it. Attend work-related functions, social hours at church and similar get-togethers.